


Matters of the Heart

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Trans JD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 21:51:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15615804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: When JD suddenly suffers a cardiac arrest, it changes his and Perry's life forever.





	Matters of the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I haven't written in AGES but this fic has been half-written for just about that long. Thanks to Amanda (adventurouswallflower), I got the motivation I needed to get my butt in gear and finish the damn thing! I'm really excited to see what you all think of this fic because I really did enjoy writing it despite how long it took. I have a few other WIPs going at the the moment but also some fresh ideas as well, so hopefully I'll be able to start working on one of those! 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are HUGELY appreciated! Please let me know what you think of the fic (I didn't spend hours reading through articles about cardiac arrests and ICDs for nothing) and feel free to come scream at me on tumblr (pcrrycox) about these two!

              “How’s my mocha cub?” JD asked, grinning from ear to ear as he gestured to Carla’s belly.

              “First of all, she’s not _yours_ , JD,” Carla reminded him, though there was the hint of a smile on her lips.  “But she’s just fine.  She must have liked our dinner, too.”

              “Moving around?” JD asked, staring at Carla’s baby bump as if he could see into it.

              “Like crazy,” Carla confirmed.  “Do you want to feel?”

              JD scoffed.  “Duh!”

              Over at their table, Turk and Perry had just finished the rest of their drinks and were making small talk while their significant others waited near the bar to pay their bills.  “Looking forward to being a father?” Perry asked casually, buttoning his jacket back up.  He glanced over at JD, who was conversing animatedly with Carla, though from across the room, he couldn’t tell what they were talking about. 

              “You have no idea,” Turk said with a grin that reminded Perry of JD.  It only made sense, considering the two of them had been inseparable since college.  “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m scared shitless, but I’m crazy excited, too.  Carla’s wanted this for so long, man, I’m just glad it’s finally happening, you know?”

              Perry opened his mouth to reply, smiling along with Turk, but when he looked back over at JD and Carla, he knew in an instant that something was wrong.  JD had frozen, his eyes locked with Perry’s, and Perry watched in horror as the smile faded from his face and his eyes, which were so often filled with light and warmth, suddenly went cold.  Perry was out of his seat before JD had even hit the floor.

              “You don’t have to be at eye-level with the baby,” Carla scolded JD as he sank to the floor, unaware that anything was amiss.  “JD, what are you doing?  JD!”

              Carla pushed aside her sudden panic and dropped down beside JD.  Bending over JD, she searched for anything that would signal why he’d collapsed.  She sucked in a sharp breath when she checked for his pulse and felt nothing.

              Perry arrived mere moments later and threw himself to the floor with an unrivaled urgency.  “He doesn’t have a pulse,” Carla choked out, her hands shaking as she stared at JD’s limp form.

Perry didn’t skip a beat and immediately began chest compressions.  “Turk, get over here!” he shouted, though there was no need to raise his voice.  The restaurant had gone silent and Turk was right behind him.  “Carla, call 911, get an ambulance here… and start the clock.”  Turk helped Carla up from the floor and dropped down across from Perry, JD’s lifeless body lying unmoving between them.  “Gandhi, you’re on ventilation.  _Now_.” 

              Turk lifted JD’s chin, checking his mouth for any foreign objects that might be blocking his airway, and then administered two rescue breaths.  The whole time, Perry kept his hands hovering over JD’s chest, ready to restart the compressions the moment Turk finished.  Seamlessly, he began again, his thoughts racing so quickly they became a jumble in his head.  He closed his eyes for a moment and realigned his thoughts, letting his medical instincts take over.  It was as though he was on autopilot; he had done this so many times before that it did not matter that it was JD lying below him _dead._ It was not the time for emotional breakdowns or to make deals with a god he didn’t believe in.

              “The EMTs are on their way,” Carla informed them in a shaking voice. 

              Perry did not look up as an unfamiliar voice spoke.  “Ma’am, is there anything we can do to help?”

              Assuming it was a member of the restaurant staff, Perry fought the urge to roll his eyes.  “Don’t suppose – you’ve got – an AED – lying around anywhere?” he gasped between compressions, breathless with the exertion.  He very much doubted his chances, knowing that their only shot would be the ambulance that was still minutes away.

              “I’m afraid not, sir,” the man said regretfully.  “Rest assured, we’ll be getting one after this.”

              Perry bit back what would have been his usual sarcastic rebuttal about what a shame it was that it took an emergency, a _tragedy_ to get life-saving equipment in every goddamn public place.  “Carla?” Perry growled.  “How long?”

              Carla checked her watch and swallowed hard.  “Four minutes.  Ambulance should be here in another four.”

              “Checking pulse,” Perry announced, momentarily ceasing his compressions.  Turk moved back, out of his way, and Perry placed two fingers against JD’s neck, searching for any sign of a heartbeat.  In just seconds, he resumed the compressions, shaking his head.  “Come on, Newbie,” he muttered.  “Stay with me, kiddo, come _on_.”

              Carla barely fought back her tears as she watched her husband and best friend do their best to save JD’s life.  She knew the two of them would keep at it as long as they had to.  Keeping an eye on the clock, she called Elliot, who was on call that evening.

              “Hello?” Elliot chirped after a couple rings.

              “Elliot, sweetie, listen to me very carefully.  I need you to alert Emergency that we’ll be there soon with a cardiac arrest.  Prep an O.R. just in case.  Can you do that for me?”

              “Yeah, Carla, of course,” Elliot said, flagging down a passing nurse.  “So much for a nice dinner, huh?”

              “Right,” Carla laughed wetly.  “The EMTs should be here in just a couple minutes.  If it’ll help things move a little faster on your end, tell them it’s JD.”

              Elliot paused.  “What, he’s doing CPR?  Why would that speed things up?”

              “He’s not the one administering it, Elliot.  He’s receiving it.”

              Elliot very nearly dropped her phone.  “I’ll make sure we’re ready for you,” she said, sounding much braver than she felt.  She hung up with Carla and then sprinted down the stairs to the ER.

              “Come on, JD,” Turk encouraged, looking down into the lifeless face of his best friend, hoping against hope for a flutter of his eyelids, an intake of breath.  After every thirty compressions, he did his part to keep JD alive, delivering two breaths and watching his chest rise and fall with each.  Turk knew he couldn’t afford to lose it now, but he felt the lump in his throat, the tears prickling behind his eyes.  Knowing that Carla would always be there for support lightened the load just a little, but he’d always figured he’d be the first to go, that he’d never have to see JD this way.

              Perry blocked out the panicked whispers behind him, concentrating solely on saving JD’s life.  He was certain all of this would catch up with him, but he only entertained the possibility that it’d be when JD was successfully resuscitated and recovering.  For now, it was all he could do to push the terror away.

              “Over here!” Carla suddenly cried, waving to the EMTs who had just arrived, bringing with them a gurney and an AED: JD’s lifeline.

              Several restaurant patrons clambered out of their seats, pulling aside tables and chairs with the help of waitresses and other restaurant staff to make room for the EMTs and their equipment.

              “Patient is a thirty-year-old male who presented with sudden cardiac arrest.  His father died of a massive heart attack, but no other family history of heart disease and he has no underlying conditions,” Perry relayed, letting one of the paramedics take over chest compressions.

              “CPR has been administered for nine minutes and counting,” Carla interjected in a clinical tone.  “He just collapsed,” she added, emotion swelling back into her voice.

              The three of them watched on, helpless, as the EMTs swiftly did exactly what they were trained to.  They cut open JD’s shirt and affixed the pads from the AED to his chest and got him bagged, delivering oxygen more steadily.  One of them reached over to turn the AED on, its robotic voice announcing that it was analyzing JD’s heart rhythm.

              “Shock advised.  Charging.  Stay clear of patient,” it monotoned.  Carla placed a hand on Perry’s shoulder.

              “Stand clear,” the EMT said loudly before pressing the button on the AED that would deliver the shock that would hopefully save JD’s life.

              “Come on, baby,” Perry whispered, so quietly that only Carla could hear him.  His hands were balled into fists at his sides as he kneeled just behind the EMT that seemed to have taken charge of the situation.  He held his breath as the AED counted down from three and then shocked JD’s limp body, causing him to jolt, his back leaving the floor for a brief second. 

              The suspense that Perry felt was like nothing else. He’d been in this exact position countless times – and it wasn’t as though he wasn’t invested in his patients’ lives – but never had there been so much at stake. For a moment, he knew just how helpless a patient’s loved ones felt as they waited. And there was no other feeling, not one, that Perry had ever experienced that came close to the horrible chill that swept through him when the shock proved to have done nothing, that JD was still… dead.

              “Going again,” the EMT declared, waiting just seconds for the AED to analyze JD’s heart rate once again. The seconds felt like small eternities to Perry.

              Perry felt like he would go insane if it weren’t for Carla’s hand on his shoulder; she was just about the only thing grounding him then. That, and the reckless, desperate hope he clung to that this next shock that the AED was about to administer would bring JD back. If it didn’t… Perry didn’t honestly know what he would do if he lost JD. What would be the point in anything? He knew that being a doctor, working at Sacred Heart, provided him with a purpose, but without JD, he didn’t know that he’d be able to do it.  JD had changed his entire life, even from the first moment they’d met, and more so when they’d finally gotten together. It was impossible to imagine the world without him.

              The next shock jolted Perry out of his dark thoughts, and he watched the EMT, torn between terror and anguish.

              The EMT leaned forward and checked for a pulse and Perry still couldn’t release the breath he’d been holding.  “We’ve got a pulse,” she announced.  “It’s weak, but it’s there.  Let’s get moving.”

              Perry and Turk surged forward to help get JD transferred onto the gurney and as they wheeled him toward the door, the patrons around them clapped.  Perry stared straight ahead, thinking that none of them could possibly understand just exactly what he was going through.  They still had no idea what had caused JD’s sudden cardiac arrest and he was by no means out of the woods yet.

              “Sacred Heart,” Perry told the EMTs.  “We called ahead.”  He tossed his car keys to Turk and gave him a meaningful look.  “Meet us there.”

              Turk nodded, his arm around Carla’s shoulders.  “Good luck,” he said to Perry, not sticking around to watch them close the rear doors of the ambulance.

              Perry knew he should feel relief, and he did, but it was marginal. JD was just barely holding on and it was clear that something was wrong with his heart. What the damage was, Perry had no clue. None of the EMTs seemed to have any ideas either and the ride to the hospital was fairly quiet.

              When the ambulance arrived at the hospital, Elliot had everyone prepared and working like a well-oiled machine.  Not knowing the condition in which JD would be arriving, she had an O.R. standing by and a hand-picked team ready to give JD the care he needed.  Perry mouthed her a quick thank-you as they wheeled JD into an open bay.

              “Let’s transfer him on my count,” the lead EMT said.  “One, two, three.”  Fluidly, they moved JD from the gurney to the hospital bed and a flurry of nurses quickly affixed all manner of monitors up to him, all under the ER doctor’s direction.

              “Perry,” he said in greeting.

              “Greg,” Perry responded tersely, refusing to take his eyes off JD.  He and Dr. Wallace had never been on good terms, mostly due to Perry’s reputation at the hospital that had been cemented long before JD had ever even shown up.  The ICU and ER often had to do a lot of communicating, as the more serious cases the ER received were admitted and often went straight to the ICU, where Perry and his team of doctors and nurses took over their care.  But now, with JD’s life hanging in the balance, both of them put aside their differences and petty disagreements in favor of getting JD well again.

              “What happened?” Wallace asked as he examined JD and, beckoning a nurse over, began setting up for an echocardiogram.

              “We were out to dinner,” Perry began, his voice hoarse but surprisingly level.  “The two of us and Dr. Turk and Nurse Espinosa.  JD and Carla’d gone to take care of the check and he collapsed.  I saw the whole thing, watched his face, and I knew something was wrong.  Dr. Turk and I began CPR immediately and continued until the EMTs arrived with the defibrillator.”  Perry cleared his throat and took a deep breath before he continued.  “His father died a year and a half ago from a massive heart attack.  I don’t think that’s what this is.”

              Wallace nodded.  “I’m inclined to agree with you,” he said, waving the transducer over JD’s chest and watching the screen in front of him.  They were silent for several minutes before Wallace spoke up again.  “I’m no cardiologist, Perry, but you might want to take a look at this.”

              Perry stepped forward until he was beside Wallace.  “The mitral valve,” he murmured, peering into the small screen and clearly seeing the severe leak, the stuttering of the valve as it tried in vain to do its job.

              “I’ve already paged a surgical consult, but I think we both know exactly what he’ll say,” Wallace said grimly.

              Perry brushed his nose and crossed his arms in front of his chest.  “Ross had better be on-call tonight,” was his only response.

              “Today’s your lucky day,” Wallace replied, then cringed.  “I’m sorry, Perry, that was insensitive.  But yes, Dr. Ross is here and I believe he’s just finished up on a bypass.  I’ll page him right away.”

              Wallace stepped out to make the proper arrangements, leaving Perry momentarily alone with JD.  He laid on the bed, still unconscious, and Perry stepped closer, minding all the wires to which JD was connected.  “I know you’re in there, sweetheart,” he breathed, stroking JD’s hair back off his forehead.  “You just have to keep fighting.  You’re doing great.  And when you wake up, I’ll be right here, I promise.”

              Before Perry could spend more time just wishing that JD would wake up, Turk and Carla poked their heads in, both of them looking exhausted and terrified.  “What’s going on?” Turk asked.  “What did Wallace say?”

              Perry pulled himself back together and turned slowly to face his friends.  “JD has a – a severe leak in his mitral valve,” he said, finding it was almost harder to deliver the news than to receive it; something to do with saying it out loud, perhaps.  “He’ll need open heart surgery to repair it.  Wallace has gone to page Dr. Ross, who is blessedly on-call this evening.  The best cardiac surgeon Sacred Heart has to offer.”

              “Do we have any idea what caused it?” Carla asked, her brows furrowing as she looked back and forth between Perry and JD.  “It’s not as though he’s unhealthy.”

              “No idea right now,” Perry said softly.  “For all we know, it could be something he was born with that’s gradually worsened over the years.”

              “Excuse me,” said a short, soft-spoken nurse as she pulled back the privacy curtain around JD’s bed.  “Dr. Wallace has asked that we get Dr. Dorian prepped for surgery and bring him up to the O.R.”

              The three of them knew that was their cue to get out of the way and let the nurses do their job.  Not caring that he had an audience, Perry quickly turned back to JD, wishing that he at least looked a bit more peaceful.  He bent and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to JD’s forehead, squeezing his eyes shut against the sudden swell of emotion.  “I’ll see you soon, kiddo,” he whispered, reaching for JD’s hand and holding it tightly just for a moment out of habit.

              Turk placed a hand on Perry’s shoulder and for once, Perry let someone else have control.  He let Turk lead him, Carla on his other side, up to the doctor’s lounge on the fifth floor – the one they frequented as it was on the same floor as the ICU.  They settled down onto the couches, Perry on one and Turk and Carla on the other, pressed tightly against one another.  Perry averted his eyes, hating the emptiness he felt.  Normally, he and JD would be curled up on their own couch, watching a movie or some show JD had insisted on checking out.  They’d make small talk, steal a few kisses, and eventually, they’d go to bed together and start out wrapped tightly around each other and wake up with JD’s hair sticking up in every direction and Perry hogging the blankets.  That was how things had been for two years. Perry didn’t want that to change, but he knew very well that this would change _everything_.  And he was helpless to it.  There was nothing he could do to help JD, and even though he was in Dr. Ross’s very capable hands, the loss of control was staggering.

              Had Perry been alone, he very well might have lost it right then, but as it was, two other people who cared just as much about JD as he himself did were present and he couldn’t justify breaking down when they were holding it together.  Perry had never been one to display his emotions, especially in the company of others.  There had been a few exceptions – Ben’s funeral, when he and JD had first confessed their feelings at Turk and Carla’s wedding, when JD’s father had passed and JD himself was hurting so badly, and well… that was about it.  It wasn’t that Perry didn’t feel things, it was more that he didn’t want other people to _know_ that he did.  Briefly, he recalled when JD was still brand new at the hospital and he’d shown up at Perry’s apartment.  Mostly, Perry’d just screwed around and snapped at him, but there had been truth in one thing he’d said: _I always thought of needing people as a sign of weakness_.  He had been with JD for two years and had long since realized and admitted that he _needed_ JD.  Simply put, he’d made Perry’s life better in just about every way.  Up until he’d let JD in, _really_ let him in and told him things from his past he’d never told anyone before, been horribly vulnerable and exceedingly intimate, Perry had been miserable.  But putting that much trust in another person was humbling and unlike when he and Jordan had been together, he didn’t have to rebuild his defenses instantly for there was no fear that JD would use those things against him.  JD was too good and too genuine for childish games like that. 

              By all rights, whether or not Perry believed in fate or karma, it should have been _him_ on that operating table.  JD deserved so much better than that.  He deserved a long, happy life.  It wasn’t that Perry didn’t deserve something similar, but it was true that he hadn’t always been the kindest, most gentle person.  And he still wasn’t.  Being with JD had changed a lot of things about Perry, most of which were inadvertent and not through any effort on JD’s part, but rather borne out of a desire to be good enough for JD, to give him everything he deserved.  Perry knew he’d changed over the last two years; he had a lot to show for it.  He had friends now, in Carla and Turk and even Elliot, who he still (more affectionately) referred to as Barbie.  JD had given him a family and that was more than he ever could have asked for.

              It was an hour before anyone came to see them.  Most of the staff had steered clear of the lounge since they’d arrived, but Perry wasn’t sure if he wouldn’t prefer it the other way.  If people had used the room to watch TV on their breaks or page through medical journals or fill out paperwork, at least it would have made things feel a little more normal.  When Elliot knocked softly on the door and stepped in, Perry was actually relieved.  He stood, looking at her expectantly.

              “Well?” he pressed.  “Have you heard anything?”

              “The surgery is underway and things are going really well so far,” Elliot informed the three of them.  Turk and Carla sighed, visibly relieved.  “They’re about to put him on bypass so they can repair the leaky valve.  They’re still not sure what caused it, but he’s doing well, Perry.”

              Without thinking, Perry crossed the room and pulled Elliot into his arms, giving her a brief, but grateful hug.  “Thank you, Barbie,” he said softly.

              Surprised, Elliot’s eyes widened, but she quickly returned the hug.  “I’d do anything for you guys, you know that,” she said softly, though the sincerity of it was sullied when she blew her bangs out of her face.

              Perry was glad for the familiar gesture, though, and he chuckled.  There was a panicked edge to his laughter though and he rather felt like he might be losing his grip.  He avoided the others’ eyes and stepped back until his legs hit the couch and he sank down onto it.  Carla was there moments later and she gently rested a hand on his arm. 

              “This is good news, Perry,” she reminded him, but he could hear the concern laced in her tone.  “He’ll be out of surgery in a few hours and then you’ll be able to see him.”

              Perry nodded robotically, staring at the floor.  Yeah, he was definitely losing it.  “I – I think I need to take a walk,” he said gruffly, pushing himself up off the couch once again, needing to be anywhere but stuck in that room.

              Carla threw Turk a worried glance.  Over the last couple years, Turk and Perry had gotten quite close, having more in common than they previously cared to admit.  It had been JD, of course, who had insisted they hang out in the first place.  He’d wanted nothing more than for his best friend and his boyfriend to get along with each other.  Begrudgingly, both of them had accepted and spent an afternoon together watching the playoffs.  And they had enjoyed it.  At first, neither of them had wanted to admit to having a good time, but when basketball season had come around, they’d had weekly get-togethers, usually at Perry’s apartment because of the giant flat screen TV and surround sound, and had even gone to a Lakers game together.  JD had been so happy to see the two most important people in his life become friends, and Carla had been just as delighted, glad to see that Perry was putting in the effort that he’d previously claimed to be incapable of. 

              It was for that reason that Turk followed Perry.  He stayed several feet behind him, saying nothing, though Perry knew he was there.  He wasn’t sure where he was going, but his feet led him up to the roof.  It had become a favorite spot of his and JD’s – a place to go when they needed some distance from the hospital but couldn’t actually leave.  He kept walking until he reached the far wall and looked out over the city he’d called home since he was eighteen.  It suddenly seemed much different without JD in it.

              “He’s gonna be okay, Perry,” Turk said quietly, having come to stand beside him.  He did not look at Perry, instead joining him in staring out over the evening cityscape.  “You gotta know that.”

              “No one knows that, Gandhi,” Perry replied, lapsing back into the old nickname that he’d never been quite able to shake.  “We’re both doctors.  Don’t talk to me like I’m some patient’s scared family member.”

              “Even if that’s exactly what you are?” Turk asked, raising his eyebrows but still staring straight ahead.  “You can be both, you know.”

              Perry sighed, leaning on the wall.  “He wants to get a cat,” he said after a long pause.

              “I’m sorry, what?” Turk asked, finally turning to look at Perry.

              “JD,” Perry explained.  “He’s been bugging me about adopting a cat.  A couple months ago, he was hinting around, saying that maybe we should take another step in our relationship.  His words, of course, not mine.  Where else would my head have gone but, well, you know…  I thought he was talking about getting engaged.  Thankfully, he spared me the embarrassment of miscommunication and said he was hoping we could adopt a cat.  And ever since then, all I can think about is marrying him. 

              “After Jordan and I ended things, I pretty much gave up on the whole institution of marriage.  Not love, but marriage suddenly seemed so overrated and pointless.  I didn’t even _think_ to reconsider until… well, until your wedding.  And even then, it seemed so unattainable, like JD and I would combust before we could ever get to that point.  But we didn’t.  I didn’t give it too much thought and we haven’t talked about it since – we never actually talked about it in the first place – but damn it all, Turk, if I haven’t thought about taking a knee in front of him a thousand times over the last two months.”

              Turk chuckled, a response that Perry wasn’t expecting.  “He talks about marrying you all the time,” he told Perry.  “But he also knows – or at least thinks he knows – how you feel about marriage.  He told me that it’d be enough just to spend his life with you, that if you didn’t want to do it, it would be okay with him.  And I believe him.  I think the only reason he hasn’t brought the subject up is because he doesn’t want you to feel like you _have_ to propose.  But at least this way, he’ll be mighty surprised when you do.”

              “Long as I get the chance,” Perry mumbled, his brows knitting together as he looked back toward the city.

              “Come on, dude,” Turk sighed, elbowing Perry.  “You can’t think like that.  He’ll pull through this.  You said it yourself – he’s got the best heart surgeon we have.  He’s in good hands.”

              Perry ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head, laughing bitterly.  “Do you know that for the last two years, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop?  Because I sure as hell don’t deserve someone like him.  I don’t deserve _half_ the person he is.  So, I’ve been waiting for something – _anything_ – to happen where he gets taken away from me.  I didn’t know if it’d be a fight or _you_ , at first, with how adamant you were that I was bad for him – and I agreed with you, you know – or if it’d be something like _this,_ a car accident or cancer or –”

              “Perry, shut the hell up,” Turk said, raising his voice and looking quite angry.  “You can be such an _idiot_ sometimes.  Do you not see the way JD looks at you?  It’s like the sun shines out of your ass.  And it’s not that stupid hero worship it used to be before you guys got together.  He _loves_ you, more than I’ve ever seen someone love another person.  And I know you feel the same about him, but, man, you have _got_ to get your head out of your ass and start enjoying your life.  I can’t believe that after two years, you still can’t see that.  If that’s the case, then maybe you’re not the person I thought you were.”

              Overcome with the emotions he’d been pushing down since JD’d collapsed, Perry bent his head, leaning heavily against the wall.  “I don’t want to lose him,” he choked out, unable to hold back his tears any longer.  There were few, and it was over rather quickly, but nonetheless, he hadn’t wanted an audience. 

              Turk sighed softly and put his arm around Perry’s shoulders.  “You know I’m shitty at this kind of thing,” he murmured.  “If there’s anything I can do…”

              Perry cleared his throat several times.  “I just can’t get it out of my head, the look on his face when he collapsed.  He’d been laughing with Carla and then it was just… gone…  There was nothing.  He – he was _dead_.”

              “But you brought him back,” Turk said, shivering at Perry’s words.  “We both did.  And so did the EMTs.  And now everyone is working to keep him alive, to put him back together.  He’s got so many people in his corner.  We both know recovery won’t be easy, but he’s going to pull through.  There’s no other option.”

              “Right,” Perry said, straightening up, letting Turk’s arm fall from his shoulders.  He wiped at his eyes and cleared his throat once more.  “You’re right.  And when he’s well enough, I’ll propose, give him what he’s always wanted.”

              Turk smiled genuinely, even if it was a little tense.  “It’ll be pretty cool having you as a brother,” he said, nodding in approval.

              Perry had never thought of Turk that way, but it was true that he and JD were practically brothers.  If they got married, well, that _would_ make him at least a brother-in law.  He was oddly touched by the sentiment.  “Thanks, Gandhi,” he muttered.  “But I think we’ve both done enough baring of our souls for this evening.  We should head back anyway, see if there’s any more news.”

              The two companions were silent as they made their way back to the lounge.  Carla was still there, fast asleep on the couch, her hands resting protectively over her belly even in sleep.  Elliot had left as she was still on-call for the night.  Perry sank back down onto his couch as Turk walked over to Carla and wrapped his arms around her.

              “Hey, baby,” he murmured when she stirred.

              Carla hummed softly, settling into Turk’s arms without even opening her eyes.  “Hey,” she breathed, lacing her fingers with Turk’s. 

              “How’s my other baby?” Turk asked, kissing the top of Carla’s head and closing his own eyes.

              “Very good,” Carla chuckled quietly.  “Actually letting me sleep for once.”

              “You deserve it,” Turk said with a small smile.  The two of them settled in for what was sure to be a long night. 

              Perry didn’t quite feel like smiling, but he did feel better after his talk with Turk.  His worry about JD hadn’t been lessened whatsoever, but it was nice having the reassurance – and the chance to break down, even if just for a moment.  He trusted Turk enough to know that he wouldn’t tell anyone about his moment of weakness.

 

              The next thing Perry knew, he was being gently shaken awake by a very tired looking Elliot.  “Perry,” she whispered, a hand on his shoulder.  “Perry, wake up.”

              Perry jolted upright, his eyes going wide and his heart racing.  “Is he okay?” were the first words out of his mouth, his voice hoarse from sleep.

              “He’s fine,” Elliot said quickly, keeping her voice low.  She gestured to Turk and Carla, who were still sleeping on the other couch.  “He’s out of surgery now and they just got him situated in the ICU.  Everything went really well.  I figured you’d want to know.”

              “Of course,” Perry whispered back, pushing himself up off the couch.  “Thank you, Elliot, sincerely.”

              Elliot smiled and patted Perry’s arm.  “Go be with him,” she urged.  “He’s in bed four.”

              Bed four was one of the private rooms in the ICU, one with a door and blinds.  He figured they’d placed JD there as he was a member of the staff and he’d have a lot of prying eyes and well-wishers, but he was grateful for the added privacy.

              “I figured I’d give you a while before I wake them,” Elliot said, walking to the doorway with Perry.  “Lord knows Carla needs her rest.”

              Perry nodded in agreement, already heading down the hall.  “Thank you,” he said again.  He was glad that it was after dark now and the hospital had quieted down.  Visiting hours were over, which meant less traffic.  He received plenty of pitiful looks as he headed for JD’s room, but he ignored them, not wanting to be stuck in a conversation he was sure to hear over and over again in the coming weeks. 

              When he reached JD’s room, he wasted no time in opening the door, though he did so quietly, wanting JD to get as much rest as possible.  It was a sobering sight, JD laying in a hospital bed hooked up to almost every monitor imaginable.  He’d seen his patients like this thousands of times, but seeing JD like that… it was much different. 

              “Oh, Newbie,” Perry whispered, walking over to the far side of the bed where there were the least amount of wires and tubes.  He stood alongside the bed and gently ran his fingers through JD’s hair, swallowing hard.  He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath to steel himself, but when he reopened them, it came as a shock to find JD staring up at him, his eyes heavily lidded.  “JD, baby, I’m here.  I’m here, you’re okay,” Perry said in a rush, melting at the sight of JD looking so lost.

              JD’s brows furrowed and he scrunched his nose.  He opened his mouth as if to speak, but simply made a noise that was a cross between a croak and a whimper.  He lifted his hand and pawed at the cannula in his nose, but Perry gently took his hand and pressed it back down to his side. 

              “You’re okay,” he repeated softly.  “Gotta leave that in, though.  Oxygen.”

              “What…,” JD said in a weak, breathy version of his voice, but quickly trailed off, his eyes closing as if in slow motion.  He reopened them a few moments later, but it was clear he was exhausted and quite confused.

              “Get some rest, sweetheart,” Perry said softly, continuing to stroke JD’s hair.  “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

              JD mumbled something unintelligible and then went silent, lapsing back into sleep.  Once Perry was satisfied that he’d be out for a little while, he pulled over a chair and sank down into it, his legs threatening to buckle.  He knew it had everything to do with the tremendous amount of relief he felt, but also mental exhaustion.  He’d gotten a few hours’ sleep, but it hadn’t done much to ease his worried mind.

              It was only fifteen minutes later that Carla, Turk, and Elliot made their appearance.  “How’s he doing?” Turk asked, stepping into the small room.

              “Been awake at all?” Carla asked.

              “Just when I first got here,” Perry said, sitting up in his chair.  He hadn’t let go of JD’s hand since he sat down and still held it in his own now.  “He was pretty out of it, though.  Tried to pull off his cannula.”

              They chuckled, smiling down at JD’s sleeping form.  “He looks much more peaceful,” Carla commented.  “He’s in good hands.”

              “Sure is,” Turk agreed.  “I think we’re gonna head out, but call if you need anything, okay?”

              “And my shift is over, but I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.  Do you want me to grab you anything from your apartment?” Elliot offered.

              “That’d be great, actually,” Perry said, touched by the offer.  He took his apartment key off the key ring in his pocket and tossed it to Elliot.  She missed it by nearly a foot, but Turk caught it deftly and handed it to her, rolling his eyes fondly.  “Just grab some t-shirts and scrub bottoms?  And I have a bathroom bag on the counter in the master bath.”

              “You got it,” Elliot promised.

              “Thank you all… for everything,” Perry said genuinely. 

              They smiled at him in return and Carla waved goodbye as they filed out of JD’s room, leaving the two of them alone once again.  Perry spent the next half hour watching JD, keeping track of every rise and fall of his chest.  He glanced at his heart monitor often, watching the rhythmic ups and downs.  He’d never been so grateful to see such a thing in his entire career as a doctor. 

              Perry fell asleep again, the relief so powerful that he was able to sleep dreamlessly knowing JD was beside him _alive_.  He wasn’t sure how long it had been when he next woke up, but there was light filtering in from behind the window coverings in JD’s room.  At first, he wasn’t certain what had even woken him until he looked over to see JD staring back at him.

              “Hi, angel,” Perry breathed, able to see that JD was much more alert than he had been before. 

              “Hi,” JD whispered back.  There was still much of the same fear in his eyes and it turned Perry’s stomach to see him look that way.  His protective instincts toward JD had always been strong and this was no different.  “What happened to me?”

              Perry sat up a little, having sunk down in the uncomfortable hospital chair while he slept.  He stretched his legs and cracked his neck.  “You don’t remember anything about last night?”

              “We went out with Turk and Carla,” JD said slowly, still speaking quietly.  “I… I don’t remember going home.”

              “We didn’t,” Perry said delicately.  He wasn’t entirely confident in his ability to recount the night’s events without breaking down, but he owed it to JD to tell him the truth.  “You and Carla had gone to pay the bill while Turk and I finished up at our table and you – Newbie, you went into cardiac arrest.”

              JD’s brows furrowed as if he were trying to remember.  “I don’t… Why?”

              “You had a severe leak in your mitral valve,” Perry explained, erring on the side of sounding more clinical.  It was a little easier if he pretended he was explaining this to a patient rather than to JD.  “Turk and I did CPR for nine minutes and then the EMTs took over with the defibrillator.  You had no pulse, sweetheart.”

              JD blinked rapidly.  “I was dead for nine minutes?” he whimpered, looking lost once again. 

              Perry let out a long breath, feeling the now-familiar prickling behind his eyes that meant he was going to cry.  “But you’re here now,” he said quickly, knowing he sounded choked up.  “We brought you in and you went right into the O.R. once they saw the leak on the echo.  Open heart surgery to repair the valve.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they want to put in an ICD in a week or two to help regulate your heart beat.”

              “Oh my god,” JD breathed, letting his head fall back onto his pillow.  “I had open heart surgery?”

              “’Fraid so,” Perry confirmed, pulling himself together.  “But you’re okay, Newbie, and that’s all that matters.”

              “You must have been a wreck,” JD mumbled, slowly lifting his hand to brush away his tears, but the motion caused him to wince.  “Yeah, that feels great.”

              “Take it easy,” Perry cautioned him, choosing to ignore JD’s first statement.  He didn’t want to talk about how terrified he’d been, how hopeless he’d felt.  It wouldn’t help either one of them to dwell on such feelings.

              JD turned his head to look at Perry, not quite crying, but looking so terrified Perry could hardly stand it. “I love you,” JD sighed, aching to feel Perry’s arms around.

              Perry let out a shaky breath and stood, pressing his lips to JD’s in a tender kiss. When he pulled back, he rested his forehead against JD’s. “I love you,” he echoed in a whisper. “More than anything.”

              The two of them stayed that way, holding each other as much as they could, until there was a soft knock on JD’s door. Perry sighed and stood to answer it. Dr. Ross was there in the doorway, holding what could only be JD’s medical chart.

              “Good morning,” Ross said, his calm presence doing a lot to put JD at ease. He’d always trusted the cardiologist and it was no different now that he was the patient. “How are you feeling, Dr. Dorian?”

              “JD, please,” JD requested. “And I’m… well, I’m as good as anyone can be after having emergency cardiac surgery.”

              Perry almost snorted from his spot beside JD’s bed, but he kept quiet. He was quite eager to hear what Dr. Ross had to say, but it was good to know that JD hadn’t lost his sense of humor. He turned his attention fully to Ross, watching him glance over JD’s chart.

              “Well, JD, I’m glad to hear that,” Ross said, speaking in his usual soft, slow cadence. “As I’m sure Perry has informed you, you had a severe leak in your mitral valve that caused your sudden cardiac arrest and necessitated the open-heart surgery. We’ve repaired the leak, of course, and everything went as planned during your surgery. We’ll want to get you up and walking around periodically throughout the day, just for a few minutes at a time. I also want to get you scheduled for another procedure, during which we’ll place an implantable cardioverter defibrillator to prevent any further episodes.”

              JD took in everything with a poise that Perry was almost surprised to see, but he guessed JD was just doing a very good job of being brave and that the terror was lying in wait below the surface. “And his prognosis?” Perry prompted, brushing his thumb over the back of JD’s hand.

              “I have no reason to believe that you won’t make a full recovery, JD,” Ross said frankly, giving JD a nod. “We should see you back at work in a few months.”

              “Thank you for everything,” JD said, his sincerity coming through in every syllable.

              Ross patted JD’s leg and placed JD’s chart in the holder at the foot of the bed. “I’ll have a nurse come in shortly to change your bandages and then we’ll get you out of bed, see how you’re feeling.”

              Perry waited until Ross left before he spoke. “Would you prefer it if I changed your bandages?” he asked gently. He knew JD could be particular about who saw the scars on his chest, the fainter ones that predated his cardiac arrest.

              JD shook his head. “No,” he said thoughtfully, his voice still soft, as though he were afraid of straining himself. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, I just don’t want you to be my doctor right now. I want you to be Perry. My Perry.”

              Perry found he had to take a breath before he replied, the edge of fear in JD’s voice worrying him – not that he blamed JD, of course. He was still terrified himself, still reeling from the dramatic ups and downs of the last twelve hours. “I’m always going to be yours, kiddo,” Perry reassured him, frowning slightly as he looked at JD. He wasn’t used to seeing JD try so hard at controlling the way he presented his emotions. It looked painful.

              “I just needed to hear that, I guess,” JD sighed, resting his head on his pillow. “Not that I didn’t think you would be, it just…”

              “Makes you feel better,” Perry finished for him, settling back into his chair beside JD’s bed. “Believe me, Newbie, I get it. Hell, I’m just happy to hear your voice.”

              JD was able to smile at that as he looked over at Perry. “I’ll remind you of that next time I’m annoying you,” he teased, but it was half-hearted.

              Perry’s smile faltered. He had a hard time believing that JD would ever annoy him again. Every word out of his mouth was a glorious sound and he didn’t want to take anything about JD for granted.

              “Hey,” JD said, frowning once again at Perry’s grim expression. “Are you okay, Perry? You can talk to me about it.”

              Perry dithered, weighing his options. He wasn’t keen on anything that would cause JD more stress, emotional or otherwise, and as much as he _did_ want to talk about what he was going through, it wasn’t worth upsetting JD. “Another time,” Perry promised, forcing another smile in an attempt to reassure JD.

              JD looked as though he might have persisted, but then though better of it. “How’s everyone else?” he asked. “Turk, Carla, Elliot?”

              “They’re all right. Shaken up, of course, and exhausted. Elliot was on-call when it happened, so Carla called her and she had everything ready for us when we brought you in. And she kept us posted throughout your surgery. They all went home once they were sure surgery had gone well and I’m sure they’ll be back this afternoon. Elliot offered to bring me a few things from home so I could stay with you.”

              “And you said Turk helped give me CPR?”

              “He did, Newbie,” Perry said, taking JD’s hand once again. “He helped save you.”

              “Sounds like I have a lot of people to thank,” JD said, cracking a smile.

              Perry couldn’t help but be a little disconcerted by JD’s reaction; he’d expected JD to be much more emotional.  Now it just looked like he was putting on a brave face and hiding behind humor.  Perry supposed JD had to cope whatever way he could, but it didn’t stop him from worrying.  Before he could say anything, JD’s nurse arrived with fresh bandages.

              “Good morning,” she said warmly.  “Dr. Ross sent me in to change your bandages, Dr. Dorian.  Is now a good time?”

              “Sure,” JD said in a welcoming tone.

              Perry sat forward in his chair, watching the nurse closely.  It was important to him that JD felt as little pain as possible and he wasn’t above requesting a different nurse if her work was anything less than impeccable. He had prepared himself for JD experiencing pain – he’d been doing so since the previous night – but he hadn’t thought about… _this_.  Perry had seen incisions like JD’s dozens, probably hundreds of times – the long slice down the center of the chest that accompanied open heart surgery – but no amount of foresight could have prepared him for seeing that wound, that _gash_ on _JD._ He couldn’t help but let out his breath in a shocked _whoosh,_ and JD glanced over at him.  Perry saw the movement of JD’s head, but he couldn’t take his eyes off the angry red line down the center of his chest.  He finally looked away when the nurse’s hands blocked his view as she cleaned the wound with great care, but he didn’t dare make eye contact with JD.  If there was any pain in his eyes, he wasn’t sure he could take it at the moment.  It was easier to pretend that things would be okay, that JD would be fine, without seeing the wound from such a major surgery.  It only served to remind Perry of everything JD’d been forced to go through in the last day.

              “Is there anything else I can do for you, Dr. Dorian?” the nurse asked, smiling down at JD.

              “I don’t think so, but please, you can call me JD,” he insisted.  “Thanks.”

              “JD it is,” the nurse replied before she left the room.

              “Perry,” JD said a few moments later, his voice quiet.  “Are you sure you’re –”

              Before JD could ask his question, he was interrupted by Turk and Carla poking their heads in.  “You’re awake!” Turk cried, beaming at his best friend.

              JD couldn’t help but smile back.  “Seems that way.”

              “Oh, Bambi,” Carla sighed, walking over to the side of his bed, “it’s so good to see that smile.”  She took JD’s hand in hers and squeezed it, her eyes rapidly filling with tears.

              “Carla, please don’t cry,” JD begged, watching her apprehensively.  “I’m okay now, I promise.”

              Carla released a shaky breath and wiped at her eyes as Turk put his arm around her waist.  “It’s the hormones,” she mumbled.

              “It’s okay, baby,” Turk said gently, rubbing her side.  “It’s really good to see you, man.  You look good.”

              JD smiled, his other hand still held tightly in Perry’s.  “You say the sweetest things,” he joked.  He knew that if he acted as upset as he felt, it would only hurt Perry, so he made a promise to himself that he’d do his best to keep it together when Perry was around. 

              Turk laughed.  “And you definitely haven’t lost your sense of humor in all this,” he pointed out.  “You had us pretty worried, though.”

              “I promise I won’t ever randomly collapse again,” JD swore, grinning over at Perry, whose face had paled dramatically.  “Come on, Per, if we can’t joke about it, we’ll just sit around crying and I don’t want that.  Plus, I think if Carla starts, she’ll never stop.”

              “He’s got a point,” Carla sniffled, offering up a watery smile.  “Let’s just focus on getting you better, Bambi.”

              “I like that idea,” JD agreed, his thumb rubbing soft, reassuring circles on the back of Perry’s hand.  “I get to go for a walk today, too.”

              Turk grinned.  “Ross already came in and talked to you?  You must have been his first priority.  So, what’s the prognosis?”

              “Everything looks good,” JD relayed.  “I’ll have to have an ICD implanted pretty soon, I’m guessing within the next week, but I need to start going for short walks a couple times a day.”

              “And you should make a full recovery,” Perry added, his voice stronger than he’d have thought it would be.  “The surgery went great.”

              JD smiled at Perry, glad to see he’d pulled himself together.  “Thank you, guys,” he said to Turk and Carla.  “Perry told me how much both of you helped and I – well, I love you both.  Thank you.”

              Carla’s lip quivered tremulously.  “We love you, too,” she said thickly.  “We would do anything for you, you know that.”

              Turk squeezed Carla’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.  “What she said,” he agreed.  “But both our shifts are about to start, so we have to get going.  Elliot should be here in a few hours with your stuff, Perry.  We’ll see you guys later.”

              JD’s smile didn’t leave his face until Turk and Carla were gone, at which point he looked worriedly over at Perry.  “Babe,” he said softly.  “I’m here with you now.  I’m going to be okay.  You heard Dr. Ross – I should be back at work in just a few months.”

              Perry nodded and leaned forward to kiss JD again, and this time it was a bit more desperate.  “I know,” he breathed, pulling back just enough so he could see JD’s face.  “Just… been through a lot in the last twelve hours.  But sure is good to see those eyes again.”

              “I love you so much, Perry,” JD said softly.  “I wouldn’t leave you, you have to know that.”

              Perry shushed JD gently, kissing his cheek.  “I love you, too, sweetheart.  Why don’t – why don’t we try that walk now?”  He cleared his throat, pushing down the wave of emotion that had been threatening to overcome him since JD woke up.  He forced himself to stay composed – if he had to break down, that was fine, but he wasn’t going to do it around JD.  And right now, JD needed him here.

              JD nodded.  “Yeah,” he agreed.  “I’m ready to give it a shot.  You’ll stay with me?”

              Perry managed a smile.  “What kind of a question is that?” he asked, tapping JD’s chin with a couple fingers before he straightened up.  “I’m not going anywhere, Newbie, you can count on that.”

              “Just thought I’d check,” JD said sheepishly.  “You know, Perry, I’d understand if you needed a minute or two.  You _should_ take a minute or two, actually, and go sleep in a real bed.  You look awful, you know.”

              Perry rolled his eyes.  “You always were good at sweet-talking,” he said sarcastically, pulling JD’s blanket back and uncovering his lower body.  “Come on, let’s get you up.”

              JD gripped Perry’s hands and very slowly began to move his legs off the side of the bed and sat up.  “Just a second, okay?” he said, breathing a little harder than he normally would have. 

              “You all right?” Perry asked, watching JD’s face.  “Now’s not the time for a brave face, JD.  You have to tell me exactly what you need.  No overdoing it.”

              “I know,” JD said quickly.  “That’s why I said just a second.  I swear, if I need to stop, I’ll tell you.  I’m not interested in going through this all over again.”

              “Me either,” Perry said under his breath, still holding JD’s hands in both his own.  “You tell me when.”

              JD focused on catching his breath before scooting closer to the edge of the bed.  “Uh,” he said, suddenly feeling nervous, “you’re sure this is okay, right?”

              Perry ducked his head a little so he could look into JD’s eyes.  “It’s okay to be scared, JD.  You and I both know that recovery isn’t going to be easy, but I’m going to be right by your side the entire time.  I won’t let you fall.”

              JD swallowed hard, wanting to be as brave as Perry.  “Let’s do this.”  Carefully, and with Perry’s support, he managed to slide his feet to the floor and worked them into the slippers that had been set there.  He straightened up, and when he swayed a little, Perry slid his arm around JD’s waist. 

              “Slow and steady, Newbie,” he said encouragingly.  “Ross said just a few minutes at a time.”

              “What, you mean I can’t go out and run a marathon?” JD joked, a little breathless. 

              “You wouldn’t do that at your fittest,” Perry snorted, though it put a grin on his face.

              JD’s face was set in determination, but he managed an answering smile when he saw Perry’s expression.  “I never understood,” he muttered, “what the motivation was for running.  Nobody’s chasing you.”

              Perry chuckled and, with his arm still securely around JD’s waist, pressed a kiss to the top of his head.  “God love you, Newbie,” he said, shaking his head fondly.  It was good to see JD upright for the first time in over twelve hours, even if he wasn’t able to stay that way without a little help.  “Why don’t we try walking to the door and back?” Perry suggested.

              JD nodded, feeling a little apprehensive about the idea, but he knew he had to work hard to get back to the way he had been.  It wouldn’t happen without a lot of perseverance and support from Perry, and he knew he had both of those things.  “Don’t let go,” JD said, more to soothe himself than actually thinking Perry wouldn’t be beside him the entire time.

              “I’m here,” Perry said reassuringly, squeezing JD’s side.  “You can do this, JD.”

              It wasn’t as though JD’s room was large – it had oftentimes felt rather cramped when he’d had a patient in the very same room – but suddenly it felt as though it would take hours to get to the door.  It became his own personal marathon – _slow and steady,_ he reminded himself.  He looked down at his feet, shuffling them forward and leaning heavily on Perry as he did so.  Part of him – the less than logical part – was afraid that if he worked too hard, the surgery would have been for naught and his heart would give out, but the medical side of him knew that exercise was good, that it would strengthen the muscle that was his heart.

              “How you feeling?” Perry asked when they reached the door.  He looked down into JD’s face, his concern obvious. 

              “I’m – I’m okay,” JD said, unable to believe such a short walk could make him so tired.  “Well… actually, I’m exhausted.”

              “I bet you are,” Perry said with a frown.  “Let’s get you back in bed.”

              The walk back to the bed felt even longer for JD, and by the time he was settled back under the thin, scratchy sheet, he was so tired that he could hardly keep his eyes open.  Perry sat beside him and brushed his hair back off his forehead.

              “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart,” he murmured, letting his fingers brush over JD’s cheek.

              JD smiled softly and leaned into Perry’s touch.  “I love you,” he whispered, his eyes searching Perry’s face.  He could see the bags under his eyes and the stubble that had grown overnight.  Perry was tired, too, that much was obvious.  And JD couldn’t blame him.  God, what he must have gone through while JD was unconscious…

              “I love y – JD, are you crying?” Perry asked, watching what were unmistakably tears roll down JD’s cheek. 

              “I’m sorry,” JD sniffled, trying as hard as he could to keep from breaking down completely.  “I’m just so tired.  Will you… will you lay with me?  I don’t like sleeping without you.”

              Perry swallowed hard against the swell of emotions JD’s words brought.  But he had promised himself that he would be strong for JD.  He laid down beside him, made a little difficult by the narrow hospital bed, and pulled the younger man into his arms, holding him close.  “Get some rest,” he said softly, closing his own eyes as JD relaxed into him.  “I’ll be here the whole time, all right, kiddo?”

              “Okay,” JD sighed, already drifting off into the sleep he so desperately needed as his tears dried on his cheeks.

  

 

* * *

 

              When Perry next woke, something blonde and emotional was poking its head through the door.  Perry stretched as much as he could without disturbing JD and waved Elliot inside.

              “I brought some of your things,” she whispered, holding up a bag that she then set down next to Perry’s chair.  “How’s he doing?”

              Perry scrubbed at his eyes and sat up a little, knowing how heavy of a sleeper JD was.  “He’s okay,” he said honestly.  “He was up out of bed for a few minutes already.”

              Elliot nodded.  “That’s great.  That’s really great.  Is he… dealing with everything okay?”

              “I think only time will tell.  He’s scared right now, that much is for certain.  But he’s determined to get well, too.  That’s what counts.”

              “Well, I’m here for both of you if you need anything,” Elliot offered.  “Just let me know, all right?”

              “Thank you,” Perry said genuinely.  “Stop in later, say hi to him yourself.”

              “I will,” Elliot agreed with a small smile.  “See you, Perry.”

 

* * *

 

 

              Over the next week, JD and Perry entertained all sorts of visitors.  They ranged from members of the hospital staff – Kelso, Ted, Ted’s Band (which Perry put a swift end to) – to Dan, who had come all the way from Ohio to see his brother.  The most frequent visitors, of course, were Turk, Carla, and Elliot, all of whom took turns sitting with JD when Perry needed to grab a bite to eat or shower or get some rest in a real bed.  They helped to lift JD’s spirits, though he hadn’t broken down since that first day.  Perry was waiting for it at any moment, but JD’s tears never came.  He remained his usual self right up until the day of the surgery where they’d implant the ICD.  They both knew it to be less invasive than his first surgery and that it should only take a few hours, but Perry was a wreck.  He stayed with JD as long as possible while they got him ready for surgery and walked alongside JD’s bed as they wheeled him down to the O.R.

              “All right, Dr. Cox,” said one of the surgical nurses.  “This is as far as you can go.”

              Perry bit back a sarcastic remark in favor of leaning down toward JD and kissing him softly.  “I’ll see you soon, sweetheart,” he whispered, squeezing JD’s hand.

              “Love you,” JD replied, reaching up and stealing one more kiss before he let go of Perry’s hand.  “Don’t go too crazy, all right?  It’ll be done before you know it.”

              “Sure,” Perry said, surprised he was able manage a smile.  “Love you too, kiddo.”

              As JD was wheeled into the O.R., Perry knew that the next few hours would feel like years.  For JD, it would be a brief blip on his radar – over in just a few moments – but for Perry, the minutes would drag on and on while he tried not to think of the worst-case scenario.  JD would be all right – implanting the ICD was much less invasive that open-heart surgery.  A simple procedure, really, in comparison.  Thread a wire through a vein – piece of cake.  But as Perry made his way back to the doctors’ lounge, he couldn’t quite keep his mind busy enough. 

              That was how he found himself leaning against the nurses’ station, wishing more than anything that Carla was working that day.  He’d tried to banter with Laverne, but she just got frustrated and dismissive with him.  Carla would know he was having a hard time and entertain him just to ease his mind a little.  And Gandhi was stuck in surgery for who knew how long, which only left Perry with Barbie, and he wasn’t sure he could stomach her particular brand of neuroticism just then.  But hell, he decided to give it the old college try.

              “Say, Barbie,” he said, sidling up to her as she notated a chart, “you wouldn’t happen to have a second, would you?”

              Elliot glanced up at him and blew her bangs out of her face.  “Why?” she asked slowly, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly.  For as much as Perry was forced to hang out with her since he and JD had gotten together, he realized she’d never quite gotten over her fear of him. 

              Not for the first time since JD’s cardiac arrest, Perry found himself removing some of the walls around himself that he’d taken such care to reinforce.  “I’m going nuts here,” he admitted, though the effect was ruined somewhat when he growled at a passing intern who happened to look in his direction.

              “I have time for a cup of coffee,” Elliot suggested, setting her chart down.  “We could go to the cafeteria.”

              “That’d be good,” Perry agreed, leading the way toward the elevator and down to the first floor.  He chose a table as far away from everyone else as possible and sank down into a chair while Elliot got their coffee. 

              “What’s it been, a half hour?” Elliot asked.

              “Thirty-seven minutes,” Perry corrected.  “Not that I’m counting.”

              Elliot gave him a skeptical look, arching her eyebrow at him.  “Sure you’re not.  Hey, Perry, he’s going to be _fine_.  If he’s made it through everything else so far, this should be a breeze.”

              “I know that,” Perry muttered.  “Logically, anyway.  It’s just so damn hard to think that way when he’s already almost been taken away from me.”

              Elliot dared to reach across the table and put her hand on Perry’s.  “You of all people should know just how strong JD is.  He’s as strong as you are stubborn.  He’s gonna make it out of this just fine.  Ross is doing the surgery again, so you know he’s in good hands.  You’re working yourself up and that’s not going to do you or JD any good.”

              Perry took a sip of his coffee, surprised to find that his hands were shaking.  “It just doesn’t make sense,” he sighed, looking up at Elliot.  “How does something like this happen to someone like him?  He’s so damn _good_ , Barbie.  Everyone around him is better for knowing him and to think that all could have been over –”

              “Perry, come on,” Elliot interjected, looking a little misty-eyed.  “You can’t talk like that anymore.  He’s alive, he’s relatively healthy – or will be soon, now – and he needs you to lean on, and not just physically.  I know this has been so hard on you – it has been on all of us – but if you keep thinking that way, life is going to seem pointless.  Bad things happen all the time.  But in our cases, the good outweighs it.  Try and look at the good things that have come from this.  I bet neither of you are taking each other for granted now, and you’re probably even closer than before.  I know you and Turk are, and maybe even you and me, too.  The whole hospital came together to save JD’s life and they didn’t do it just so you could sit here and replay the whole thing and talk about him dying.”

              Perry blinked at Elliot when she finished her speech, rather surprised she had the stones to talk to him so frankly.  “Right,” he said after a few moments and another sip of his coffee.  “You’re right.”  It occurred to him then that it was probably for the best that Carla and Gandhi weren’t around because what he’d needed was a kick in the ass from Elliot, and he’d sure gotten it.  “But if it’s all right with you, I’d still like to be at least a bit of a basket case until he’s out of surgery.”

              Elliot smiled softly at Perry.  “You have every right to be.  No way I’d try and take that from you.  And I know I talk a good game, but I’m nervous, too.  But he _will_ be fine, Perry.  I promise.”

             

* * *

 

 

              Perry was waiting in JD’s room when they wheeled him back in from recovery.  “How’d the surgery go?” he asked Ross, who had followed the orderlies in.

              “Everything went precisely the way it should have,” Ross assured him, taking care to ensure JD’s transfer went well.  “He’s been in and out.  I expect he’ll be rather groggy, and it’s important that he avoids any strenuous activity, but we’ll want to get him up and about as soon as he’s feeling ready.”

              Perry nodded, walking over to the side of JD’s bed and taking his hand.  “Thanks,” he said, glancing up at Ross.  “You know, for all of it.”

              Ross nodded.  “No need for thanks, Perry,” he replied.  “Do contact me if either of you have any questions or concerns, but I should expect to see him discharged in the next week or so.”

              Perry was glad for the news and once the room had cleared out, he reached down to stroke JD’s hair.  “You hear that, kiddo?  You get to come home soon,” he murmured.  “Bet you can’t wait to sleep in your own bed.  Makes me actually feel a little sorry for the patients, these beds.”

              JD mumbled indistinctly, but turned toward the sound of Perry’s voice. 

              “That’s it, Newbie.  Everything went perfectly.  You can rest now.”  He pulled up his usual chair and sat down beside the bed, his thumb rubbing soft circles on JD’s hand.  Through the relief, Perry could feel the weight of exhaustion settling down on him.  Knowing that he would wake at the first sign of JD stirring, he let himself drift off, his hand never leaving JD’s.

 

* * *

             

              “Aren’t you getting tired of the same view every day?” JD asked as they made their usual trek around the ICU.  He was a week out from his ICD surgery, but was still easily worn out and it was strange getting winded just from getting out of bed.  He was continuing to build up his endurance by going on walks with Perry several times each day.  Every time they went a little bit farther, stayed out a little bit longer, but by the end of the day, JD was exhausted.

              Perry snorted and looked over at JD.  “Newbie, if you think I’m ever going to get tired of looking at you, you’ve got another thing coming.”

              “I didn’t mean me,” JD said, elbowing Perry gently even as his cheeks reddened.  “I can’t wait to be outside again.  I’ve been cooped up in here for two weeks now.”

              “Ross said you’re doing great,” Perry reminded him.  “Should be just another day or two before you can come home.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait.”

              JD grinned and squeezed Perry’s hand.  “Definitely can’t wait,” he agreed.  “Hey, have you heard anything from Turk lately?”

              Perry shook his head.  “Been with you this whole time.  I’m sure he’ll let us know when he can.  Carla could be in labor for a while yet.”

              “I know,” JD sighed.  “I’m just sick of all this waiting around.  I’m bored.”

              Perry glanced around them, pleased to see there were few people around and the ones that were nearby were preoccupied.  He leaned in, pressing JD gently against the wall, and kissed him breathless – a rather easy feat these days.  “How’s that for bored?” he countered, looking rather pleased with himself.

              JD huffed out a breath, looking up at Perry with a glazed over expression.  “That was nice,” he said dreamily, making Perry chuckle. 

              “You make it too damn easy, Newbie,” he laughed, brushing a thumb over his cheek.  “Come on, why don’t we start heading back?”

              As they made their way back toward JD’s room, Elliot found them.  “Guys, Carla had the baby!” she squealed, practically jumping up and down.  “They’re back in her room if you want to stop in and say hi.”

              “What do you think?” Perry asked, looking back at JD and trying to see how tired he was without asking outright. 

              “I really want to see them,” JD said.  “It’s not _that_ far.”

              “Only if you’re sure you can do it.  Otherwise I can grab a wheelchair.”

              “I want to,” JD insisted.  “I can do it.”

              Slowly but surely, they made it to Carla’s room, where Turk and Elliot were gathered around the bed, where Carla was resting with their new baby in her arms.

              “Aw, Bambi, look at you,” Carla said, tears springing into her eyes.  “You came all the way down here to see me?”

              JD grinned and reached forward to hug her gently before looking down at the bundle in her arms.  “Of course I did.  No way I would have missed this for the world.  Look at her,” he murmured.  “What’s her name?”

              “Isabella,” Turk said, playing the role of proud father very well.  “Carla was great, too.  Amazing, really.”            

              “Hi, Izzy,” JD said softly.  “She’s so beautiful, isn’t she, Per?”

              “Sure is,” Perry agreed, nodding at Turk in approval.  “Congratulations, you two.”

              Perry and JD didn’t stay for much longer, as it was pretty obvious that JD was nothing short of exhausted.  Once they were back in his room, Perry took his usual place in JD’s bed, letting JD curl into his side and rest his head on his chest.  “They’re gonna be good parents,” JD said through a yawn.  “I can already tell.”

              “I’m sure you’re right,” Perry said, letting his eyes close.  “You did great today, JD.  I’m so proud of you.”

              JD nuzzled closer against Perry’s chest.  “I love you,” he whispered. 

              Perry hummed in agreement, leaning down to press a kiss into JD’s hair.  “I love you, too.  Now get some rest.  It’s been a big day.”

 

* * *

 

 

              JD was discharged the next day and given a mostly clean bill of health.  He’d still need time off work and have regular appointments with Ross, but overall, he was doing well enough physically to leave the hospital.  Perry was thrilled and didn’t bother to hide it.  He hadn’t spent much time at the apartment lately, but when he’d stopped there to get mail or take a quick nap, it had felt far too empty without JD in it.  He opened the door and JD walked straight over to the couch to catch his breath.

              “Good to be home,” Perry remarked, sitting down beside JD and kissing his temple.

              JD smiled softly and leaned into Perry.  “I never knew I could miss an apartment so much,” he replied, brushing his hand over the couch cushion and looking around the living room.  “It’s home.”

              “What should we do on our first night back home?” Perry asked, looking down at JD.  “We could pop in a movie, make some dinner.”

              “I think I want a real shower,” JD admitted.

              “Hey, anything you want, kiddo,” Perry said warmly.  “I’ll go throw one of your towels in the dryer, be nice and warm for when you get out.”

              JD leaned in to kiss Perry softly, just lightly brushing his lips against the other man’s.  “I love you,” he whispered, closing his eyes for a long moment.

              Perry very nearly melted at the touch and he kissed JD once more before standing.  “I love you too, sweetheart,” he replied, holding out his hands to help JD up off the couch.  “More than you’ll ever know.”

              “I think I’ve got a pretty good idea,” JD countered, letting Perry lead the way down the hall toward the bathroom. 

              “I’ll be in with the towel in a few minutes,” Perry promised before heading toward the laundry room, one of JD’s favorite towels in-hand. 

 

              Once he was in the shower with the warm water pouring down around him, JD realized that it was one of the first times he’d been alone since everything had happened.  Something about the solitude of the shower, the quiet but for the sound of the water, made his breath hitch.  He hadn’t broken down since that first night with Perry, and even then, he’d managed to stem his tears rather quickly.  But he was vulnerable and emotionally exhausted and still downright terrified.  Just the mere idea of losing Perry, that if things hadn’t gone exactly the way they had, he wouldn’t be alive… it was all too much and as if a switch had been flipped, ugly sobs ripped themselves from JD’s chest.  He sank to the floor of the shower and pulled his knees to his chest and gave into the tears that were going to fall whether he wanted them to or not.  He knew he was making himself breathless, but he couldn’t seem to stop now that he’d started.  He’d put on such a brave face over the last two weeks, but that meant that he hadn’t been dealing with his emotions, which wasn’t something that he was used to.  He was JD.  He shared his feelings openly with just about anyone, but he had seen the frightened look on Perry’s face in the beginning and knew he had to be strong for him.  So much for that now.

              JD lost track of time, but the sobs never slowed, never quieted, and he choked on them when he heard the bathroom door reopen.  Perry was far too perceptive not to notice the pitiful sounds coming from the shower and JD squeezed his eyes shut, though the tears continued to push themselves out from under his eyelids.

              “JD?” Perry said quietly, hesitating with JD’s fresh towel in his hand.  He didn’t want to just open the shower curtain – it would only make JD feel more vulnerable – but his cries were breaking Perry’s heart.

              “I’ll be out in a minute,” JD managed, his voice thick with the tears he was still crying. 

              Perry frowned, but left the bathroom, leaving JD to get out of the shower on his own.  It was only a few more minutes before the younger man emerged into the living room, hair just barely dried and dressed in one of Perry’s old hooded sweatshirts and a pair of scrub bottoms.  “Come here, angel,” he murmured, opening his arms to JD and watching as large tears continued to roll down JD’s cheeks. 

              Breath hitching with another sob, JD padded over to the couch and let Perry pull him as close as humanly possible.  Wrapped up in Perry’s arms, held firmly against his chest, he let himself be rocked gently back and forth, and didn’t bother to quiet the sobs that seemed to have no intention of slowing any time soon.

              “It’s okay,” Perry whispered, closing his eyes and pressing his cheek against the crown of JD’s head.  “You’ve been holding this in for a while, haven’t you?”

              It was all JD could do to nod for a few minutes, clinging to Perry and thoroughly soaking his t-shirt.  “I died,” he whimpered, his eyes shut tightly against the thought. 

              Perry swallowed hard, feeling his own tears sting his eyes.  “But you’re here now,” he reminded JD, tightening his hold on him.  “You’re here now and you’re going to be just fine.”

              “It’s all I can think about,” JD admitted.  “And I – I can’t even imagine what you went through.”

              Perry shook his head, not wanting to go back to that place, that utter terror that he would never see JD alive again.  “Wasn’t my favorite time, no,” he sighed, closing his eyes.  “I’m just happy – thrilled, actually – that you’re able to be here with me right now.  I’m never taking this for granted again, JD.  Not when you were almost taken away from me.”

              JD sobbed into Perry’s chest again, letting Perry hold him even tighter.  “Why did this have to happen?” he choked out.  He knew it was childish to complain that none of this was fair, that he wished it had never happened to them, but it was the question that continued to circulate in his brain.  He was a good person, a doctor. He saved people.  What had he done to deserve this?

              “I don’t know,” Perry sighed, a few of his own tears spilling over.  “I’m afraid I don’t have a good answer for that one.  I’m sorry, sweetheart.  So sorry.”

              JD sniffled, focusing on the feeling of Perry’s arms around him.  They were the one thing keeping him grounded.  “I think I should start seeing someone,” he breathed.  “Maybe we both should.”

              Perry nodded, kissing the top of JD’s head.  “Probably a good idea,” he agreed, clearing his throat.  “I’ll make some calls tomorrow, how’s that sound?”

              JD relaxed some, feeling the sheer exhaustion slowly taking over.  “Okay,” he mumbled, tears still rolling down his cheeks, though the sobbing seemed to be subsiding.  “I love you so much, Perry.  There’s no way I would get through this without you.”

              “I’m not going anywhere,” Perry promised.  “You’ve got me forever, Newbie.”

 

* * *

 

 

              “Don’t you have to work today?” JD asked two days later.  They had just cleaned up after breakfast and were curled up on the couch together.

              Perry had planned on telling JD a little sooner, but he’d been in such an emotional place over the last two days that he hadn’t wanted to add to that.  “Uh, no, I don’t,” he said slowly.

              JD’s brows furrowed and he turned to look at Perry.  “I could have sworn I looked at your schedule and it said you were on today.”

              “Not anymore,” Perry sighed.  “I talked to Kelso and I’m taking a leave of absence.”

              “Perry, what?  No, come on, you don’t have to stay home and babysit me.  I can take care of myself.”

              “JD, I know that,” Perry said, gesturing for him to slow down.  “I’m not staying home so I can babysit you.  I – aw hell, Newbie, I just want to spend time with you.  I almost lost you.  I want to be with you right now – well, always, but you know what I mean, don’t you?”

              JD’s expression softened and he lifted a hand to cup Perry’s cheek.  “Oh, Perry,” he said softly. 

              “I… I cried in front of Turk,” Perry admitted, looking down at his lap.  “The night everything happened.  He talked me down, of course, but I came so close to losing you, JD, and for now, I just want to be with you as much as I can.  And I don’t care if that makes me soft or – or –”

              JD pressed his lips to Perry’s and kissed him slowly, effectively cutting off his rambling.  “I want to be with you, too,” he said, looking back into Perry’s eyes, his own full of tears.

              “I didn’t mean to make you cry again,” Perry sighed, reaching up to brush the pad of his thumb under JD’s eye, wiping away a few tears.  “But Kelso seemed to understand and he told me that I can come back when you do.”

              “Darn, just when I thought I had gotten rid of you,” JD joked half-heartedly, instead scooting closer to Perry and curling in under his arm. 

              “Not likely, Newbie,” Perry said with a chuckle. 

 

* * *

 

 

              Over the next several weeks, both JD and Perry started seeing a therapist.  Perry once-weekly and JD twice.  It seemed to help both of them, but when it was determined that JD would benefit from going on an anti-depressant, he began to spiral downward again.  Perry did all he could to keep JD engaged and positive around the apartment, and they went on short walks to the park down the street, but he could see that JD was struggling, and so could his friends.  Perry went so far as to invite Turk, Carla, and Elliot over to the apartment in hopes of cheering JD up, but he saw the mask go up the moment they walked in the door.  JD was back to his usual self for the few hours they were there, but the moment they left, the mask came off and he padded into the bedroom and pulled the covers over himself.

              Perry joined him after he cleaned up, sitting down on his side of the bed and running his fingers through JD’s hair.  “What can I do to help?” he asked gently, hoping he wouldn’t say something that upset JD.

              JD shrugged, staring straight ahead rather than looking at Perry. 

              “JD, come on now,” Perry insisted.  “You’ve got to talk to me.”

              “I don’t have to talk about it if I don’t want to,” JD muttered, pulling away from Perry’s touch.

              Perry sighed, letting his hand fall away.  “I hate seeing you like this.  I just wish…  Fuck,” he muttered under his breath.  “I’m sorry.  That’s not fair to you.  I can’t blame you for feeling this way.  It’s just hard for me to see you so upset, sweetheart.”

              JD finally looked up at Perry, and the hardness in his expression slowly faded.  He sat up and leaned back against the headboard.  “I’m sorry,” he said, taking Perry’s hand in his own.  “I know this is hard on you, too.  And I’m trying, I really am.  But between all the medications and the depression itself… I just don’t feel like myself and that’s really hard.”

              Perry squeezed JD’s hand.  “I know it is.  Believe me, I can tell.  But, JD, I am here for anything you need.  Whether you just want me to shut up and let you cry for a while or if you want to talk about what’s going through your head.  You’ve got to know that you can lean on me for that stuff.”

              “You promise you’re not going to think it’s stupid?” JD asked hesitantly, not meeting Perry’s eyes.

              “JD, please,” Perry said, on the verge of begging.  “Talk to me.”

              JD took a deep breath and looked up at Perry.  “I miss you,” he said quietly.  “You know… like _that_.”

              Perry’s brows furrowed.  “You were afraid to tell me you want to have sex?” he asked, unsure if he was understanding correctly.

              “It’s not just that,” JD sighed.  “It’s a lot more complicated.  These stupid medications and everything that happened… I feel so foggy sometimes and I’m tired all the time and I don’t really feel like I’m in the mood, but I _miss_ it so much.  I miss you, feeling you, touching you, you touching me.  Shit, this is so stupid –”

              “JD, this is not stupid,” Perry said firmly.  “We’ve both been through a lot, and you’re right.  The anti-depressants you’re on will make you feel that way, like you _don’t_ want it even when you do.  I would never want you to do something you don’t want to do, but JD, if you want to try, we can try.  There are no expectations on my end regarding what we do or don’t do.  I just want you to be comfortable.”

              “What if I can’t… you know, finish?” JD mumbled, his cheeks turning red. 

              “Oh, Newbie,” Perry said with a sad sort of laugh.  “Is that what you’re worried about?  Sex doesn’t have to be about either of us having an orgasm.  If what you miss is that closeness, the intimacy, then that’s all we need to focus on.  We can try anything you’d like and the moment you say stop, we’re done.  No questions asked.”

              JD looked at Perry for a long moment before leaning in to kiss him.  Perry immediately deepened the kiss, his hands moving to the back of JD’s neck and to his side to hold him close.  It had been just over two months since JD’s cardiac arrest and this was the first time they’d even spoken about sex.  The thought had crossed Perry’s mind a time or two, but he wasn’t willing to put any kind of pressure on JD given the volatile emotional state he’d been in.  He was glad that JD had finally decided to talk to him about it, though he’d never dreamed that that was what had been bothering him so much.  But in a way, it all made perfect sense.  JD had always been very big on intimacy, and while he hadn’t said it in so many words, he knew sex was JD’s way of feeling as close as possible to Perry.  Being without that for so long… it made sense that it was so upsetting to him that he didn’t have the drive he was used to having.    

              JD sighed against Perry’s lips and pulled him closer still, his hands reaching up to fumble with the buttons on his shirt.  Perry pressed him back against the bed and moved to help JD off with his shirt.  He tossed it to the floor and bent to kiss along JD’s neck, pausing here and there to suck and nibble, making JD gasp and arch up into him.  Perry began lifting JD’s shirt, but JD’s hand flew to his wrist and he broke the kiss. 

              “Leave it on,” he murmured, his eyes flickering back and forth between Perry’s. 

              Perry nodded and kissed JD again, this time with a little more tenderness than urgency.  “Anything you want,” he breathed as their noses brushed against each other.  He figured it had something to do with the scar down the center of his chest, and though Perry couldn’t care less that it was there, he had a funny feeling that JD did.  “You tell me to stop and I’ll stop, all right?”

              “Okay,” JD replied, running a hand down Perry’s bare chest and looking excited but also a little overwhelmed.  “We – we could just start with something simple…”

              “Why don’t you tell me exactly what you want,” Perry suggested, his lips ghosting along JD’s jawline. 

              “I’d rather show you,” JD said, biting his lip when Perry began pressing kisses to his neck once again.  He reached down for Perry’s hand and guided it to the waistband of his pants and rolled his hips forward, giving Perry a signal that was more than clear.

              Perry smirked against JD’s neck and inched his hand into JD’s pants.  He wouldn’t dream of teasing JD right now, not like he had in the past.  They were both too vulnerable right now for that, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t build up a little anticipation.  It was doing wonders for Perry already, just being this close to JD, the build-up.  He pressed himself against JD’s hip, in search of friction.  As his hand slipped beneath JD’s boxers, JD let out a soft whimper and turned toward Perry, his hand finding the waistband of Perry’s pants as well.  Perry really didn’t expect him to reciprocate, but if he really wanted to, he certainly wasn’t going to turn him down. 

              JD’s back arched slightly when Perry finally began to rub at him and a soft cry fell from his lips.  “That’s nice,” he huffed out, looking at Perry with heavily-lidded eyes. 

              Perry hummed in response, finding it a bit difficult to concentrate fully on the task at hand when JD’s hand was wrapped around him, moving just slowly enough to drive him wild.  “God, I love you,” Perry groaned, latching back onto JD’s neck.  This time, he sucked harder, hard enough to leave a mark on his skin, and JD slid into a low moan as his hips bucked up against Perry’s hand. 

              “Love you – too,” JD managed, his breath coming more quickly.  “Ah, faster, Perry.”  JD’s hips rolled up in counterpoint with Perry’s motions and his free hand gripped the sheets beneath them. 

              Perry was quick to obey, speeding up his ministrations as JD did the same.  It had been an embarrassingly short amount of time, but Perry felt himself nearing the edge already.  “Shit, JD,” Perry choked out, his rhythm faltering.  “Gonna make me come already.”

              JD couldn’t help but smile weakly as he watched Perry’s eyes flutter closed.  It wasn’t until he felt Perry slowly slide a finger into him that his doubts about being able to finish vanished.  JD’s moans took on a desperate quality, rising in pitch and volume.  “Yes,” JD gasped as his legs began to shake.  “More, fuck, Perry, more.”

              It was all Perry could do to retain the presence of mind to do what JD wanted and as he added a second finger, he felt himself falling over the edge.  He whimpered and let out a long, low groan as he finished, his hips stuttering up into JD’s hand as he rode it out.  It was as he came down that he realized how close JD was.  He drank in every soft noise JD had to give and redoubled his efforts, determined that JD would feel as good as he did.  Minutes later, JD’s back arched up off the mattress and he gasped out Perry’s name over and over again as he came, feeling the sensations reverberate throughout his entire body. 

              It wasn’t until he resurfaced from the intensity of it all that JD realized he had tears streaming down his cheeks.  And Perry was there immediately, pulling JD into his arms and holding him tightly.  “I love you so much,” Perry whispered, his lips brushing against JD’s forehead. 

              “I love you,” JD replied, his voice thick.  “That was… incredible.”

              “It was,” Perry agreed, pulling the covers over them, figuring they would change when they were ready.  “Do you feel any better?”

              JD nodded, nuzzling against Perry’s neck.  “I do,” he said, his breath hitching.  “Probably doesn’t seem like it, but I do.  I think I’m just… happy.”

              “I’d rather you cried from happiness than anything else,” Perry chuckled.  “And for the record, I wish you’d come to me sooner about this.  And that goes for anything you’re feeling, all right?”

              “I promise,” JD said softly.  “I know you know already, but it means the world to me that you’ve been here with me through all of this.  And I know there’s no where else you’d want to be anyway, but still.  I need to say it and you need to hear it.”

              Perry smiled and lifted JD’s chin so he could kiss him once again.  “Thanks, sweetheart,” he said warmly.  “I know you’d do the same for me.”

              “You bet your ass I would,” JD replied with a smile on his face that looked so genuine it made Perry’s heart swell. 

              It wasn’t much longer before the two of them fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms, both feeling a great deal lighter than they had in some time.

  

* * *

 

 

              “You have no idea where we’re going, do you?” Perry asked as he pulled on his jeans, smirking over at JD who looked politely annoyed.

              “Not a clue,” JD confirmed, crossing his arms in front of his chest.  “Why can’t you just tell me?”

              “And ruin the surprise?” Perry snorted.  “Not a snowball’s chance, kiddo.  Why is it that you’re so determined to figure out every surprise I plan for you?”

              JD narrowed his eyes.  “I do _not_ do that.”

              “Oh sure,” Perry said sarcastically as they walked out into the living room where they both slipped their shoes on.  “What about our first Valentine’s Day together?  Or your thirtieth birthday?  Or your twenty-ninth birthday, for that matter?”

              “All right, all right,” JD sighed.  “I give up.  I have no idea what we’re doing and I promise I will stop trying to figure it out.”

              Perry grinned and took JD’s face in his hands and kissed him thoroughly.  “That’s all I ask,” he said serenely, grabbing his keys on their way out the door.

              It was six months to the day since JD’s cardiac arrest.  He’d been back at work for a few months already and for all intents and purposes, things had gone back to normal.  They were both doing well, and while JD still had difficult days here and there, Perry could safely say they were both happy.  They never took a single day for granted and had even started working on an initiative to get AEDs installed in public places around the city. 

              Ever since then, Perry had been struggling to find the right way to do the one last thing that would complete their journey together.  He’d bounced ideas off Turk, Carla, Elliot, and even Kelso at one point, though Kelso had just laughed at him and aptly told him that he couldn’t propose at a baseball game if JD didn’t even understand the damn sport.  Then, one night when he and JD were curled up on the couch, it had come to him.  He had hardly been able to wait until the next day when he saw Turk and Carla at work and they had both given them their seal of approval.

              Perry did a good job of hiding his excitement – and nerves – on the way to the animal shelter, and the look on JD’s face when they pulled into the parking lot warmed his heart.  “I know you’ve been wanting a cat for a while,” Perry chuckled.  “Figured it was about time.  So pick whichever one you like.”

              “Are you serious?” JD asked, his eyes lighting up as though it was Christmas morning. 

              “Do you really think I’d drive all the way here just to –”

              JD quickly cut Perry off with a kiss before dashing out of the car, barely waiting for Perry.  He spent time looking at every single cat the shelter had to offer, talking to them and giving them their own sickeningly sweet names – Mr. Jingles and Miss Priss and, most notably, Big Head – but Perry knew JD had found his cat when he took her out of her cage and JD started to tear up. 

              “Look at her, Perry,” JD said, sticking his bottom lip out.  “She’s perfect.”

              Perry begrudgingly scratched the top of the cat’s head and much to his delight, she began to purr.  “Thought all these things hated me, but I guess it won’t be so bad.”

              “I want her,” JD announced, holding up the cat and appraising her.  “Look at her, she already loves me.”

              Perry chuckled and patted JD’s lower back.  “Then she’s yours, Newbie.  I’ll go let them know.”  Perry walked up to the front desk, making sure that JD couldn’t hear him.  “That’s the one he wants.  Here’s the ring.”  He handed over JD’s engagement ring and the receptionist nearly melted.

              “It’s gorgeous,” she groaned.  “My boyfriend didn’t do nearly this good.  But we’ll have everything taken care of.”

              Perry nodded in acknowledgement and waved JD over.  “They have to take the cat back and process everything, but she’s all ours.”

              JD beamed and reluctantly handed over the cat.  He waved at her over the worker’s shoulder and then hugged Perry around the middle.  “Thank you so much, Per,” he said happily.

              “Anything for you, you know that,” Perry mumbled, feeling his heart rate step up as his nerves set back in.  He was certain JD would say yes, but there was always that quiet voice in the back of his mind that liked to tell him he wasn’t good enough for JD.  In the beginning, it had been much, much louder, but over the years, Perry’d been able to almost completely silence it.  Even now, he didn’t let it bother him because he knew in his heart of hearts that he and JD belonged together.

              In just a few minutes, the worker returned, carrying the small black and white cat, now adorned with a collar.  It amused Perry endlessly that JD had chosen a tuxedo cat – after all, the cat _was_ technically a ring-bearer.

              “Here’s your new baby,” the worker said, eyes alight with what she knew was to come.  Perry had called the shelter earlier in the week to make sure it was something they could orchestrate.

              “Look, Per, they put her in a collar and every – what’s on it?”

              Perry watched, enthralled, as JD’s brows furrowed.  He undid the collar and slipped the platinum band off, looking perplexed. “Is this what you hook the leash onto –” JD cut himself off as he realized there were two birthstones set into the metal – his and Perry’s.  His eyes rapidly filled with tears and he turned to Perry, who looked back at him with shining eyes.

              “How’s this for a two-fer?” Perry asked softly, lifting a hand to stroke JD’s cheek.  “You got your cat _and_ got engaged.  That is if you say yes, of course.”

              “Oh, Perry,” JD said thickly.  “I wasn’t sure you wanted… Of course I’m saying yes.  I’m yours – I have been for so long.”

              Perry pressed a soft kiss to JD’s lips, keeping in mind they had an audience.  Which rapidly became apparent when the entire shelter began to clap.

              JD broke the kiss with a laugh, tears rolling openly down his cheeks.  “Put it on me?” he asked, handing Perry the ring.

              “JD,” Perry murmured, taking the ring, “you’re my whole world.  And my heart belongs entirely to you.  I’ve known for a long time that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I consider myself so lucky to know that you feel the same.”

              “I’m just glad you still want my heart,” JD joked, making a noise that was half laughter, half sob.  “It’s seen better days.”

              “And I love it just the same,” Perry murmured, pulling JD in for another kiss.  When they broke apart, Perry looked up to see that nearly everyone around them was in tears as well.  He’d never thought he’d propose in public, but there was something powerful about strangers bearing witness to the love between them.  “Come on, kiddo, let’s get out of here.”

              “Thank you guys,” JD said to the strangers around them, wiping at his eyes in vain, following Perry almost blindly to the vehicle, all the while cradling his new cat to his chest.  “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy,” he gushed once they were on their way home, his hand held tightly in Perry’s over the center console.

              “I’ve come pretty close,” Perry said, glancing over at JD, heart swelling to see the bright smile on his face.  “A couple times, in fact.”

              “When?” JD asked immediately, curious.

              “Well, the first time was at Turk and Carla’s wedding, when you agreed to dance with me.  I had been so scared you’d say no – or think I was making fun of you not having a date or something.  But instead you just nodded and took my hand and walked out onto the dancefloor with me, not caring that everyone’s eyes were on us.  And you put your head on my shoulder like it was _made_ for you and you stayed that way all night.  That was one of the happiest days of my life.”

              JD was crying more audibly now, sniffling loudly and making soft noises that Perry was just glad were borne out of happiness rather than pain or fear as they so often had been during his recovery.  “There were more?”

              “Just one other,” Perry said, tearing up as he remembered.  “Should be pretty easy to guess.”

              “I’m assuming it has something to do with the cardiac arrest?” JD asked, stroking the cat as it curled up on his lap.

              Perry nodded.  “Maybe I shouldn’t say it was the happiest day of my life, because it was pretty bleak at first.  But finding out you’d made it through your surgery felt like the biggest victory.  I’d been so scared, JD… I couldn’t lose you then and I can’t lose you now.  So knowing that you were alive and doing well, all things considered, well, I was so relieved that I could have yelled it from the rooftop.”

              “I can only imagine,” JD whispered.  They didn’t talk very often about the arrest anymore – it was a sad subject to JD, one that frightened him, and he especially didn’t like knowing how hopeless and terrified Perry had been.  “Perry, I love you so much.  I don’t even know how to put it into words… but you mean the entire world to me.  I – I love you as much as you love me.”

              Perry smiled and squeezed JD’s hand.  “I know, kiddo,” he said, voice velvety soft.  “I know.”

 

              When they arrived home, JD pulled Perry into a long hug, holding him close as the cat brushed up against their legs.  When JD finally released him, Perry took his hand.

              “Look inside the ring,” he said softly.  “Inside the band.”

              JD did as he was told and spotted an engraving.  “Is this…?” he whispered, his eyes refilling with tears.

              “It’s a graph of my heartbeat,” Perry explained.  “And yours is on mine.  I grabbed the printout from your first ECG after they put in the ICD and asked Ross to do me a favor and do mine, too.  I had them engraved.  Thought it was a nice touch.”

              “Oh, Perry,” JD whispered, trying to brush away his tears.  “I love you.  I love you so much.”

              “I love you too, angel,” Perry replied, pulling JD back to his chest and kissing his cheek.  “More than anything.”


End file.
